BBL: My New BFF?

I’ve never been naturally skinny, but I’m also lucky enough not to be cursed with the kind of metabolism that causes me to gain five pounds if I get so much as a whiff of a chocolate chip cookie.

My body tends to settle around an “average” weight and I sort of have to work equally hard at getting fat or thin. What does this “hard work” entail, you ask? For getting thin, you know the answer: getting up at the buttcrack (or earlier) of dawn to exercise, staying away from pasta, beer, and my beloved jalapeno Cheetos. I don’t get crazy restrictive, but my food and wine loving self definitely has to scale it back a notch…or three. Getting fat is another story. It usually starts as the result of me going into some type of boredom-induced funk or emotional tailspin that causes me to lose my will to exercise. At first I am able to get away with the Burrito Supremes and Wendy’s Bacon Deluxes. So I get comfortable and then one day my “fat jeans” become skinny jeans.

And that’s when it’s time to break the cycle.

About a month ago, on a particularly gluttonous Sunday morning (during which I polished of an entire box of Hostess chocolate donettes) I came across an infomercial for the Brazilian Butt Lift.

That was the first time I was introduced to Leandro Carvalho, the cutest, cuddliest, most Brazilian sadist ever born. His perfectly accented promise to give me a perfect Brazilian “Bum Bum” (pronounced “Boom Boom” and as I have since learned is apparently Brazilian slang for “butt”) won me over. And he trains Victoria’s Secret models to boot? Um, where do I sign up? Not that I’m delusional enough to think that ANY exercise program could transform my 5’4” medium build frame into the Giselle-like physiques that grace the pages of Victoria’s Secret, but the infomercial also featured “before” and “after” shots of real (i.e. non-model) women with pretty impressive results, so after my next paycheck, I went online and placed my order.

I was very excited to come home a week later to find my Brazilian Butt Lift starter kit waiting on my doorstep. It came with 5 DVDs, ankle weights, resistance bands, as well as a work out program (designed to my specific butt type!) and a diet plan.

The first step? Determining my butt type of course!

Hmmm, this proved a more difficult task than I imagined.

The “too flat” solution? Designed to lift and shape? Sounds like Butt Bodybuilding for Dummies. Hell, no! I’m no J. Lo but I sure as hell don’t need to be doing exercises to add to the assorted variety of junk already in my trunk. Next!

The “pear shape” solution? This one promises to slim and shape. I like the slim part, but I’m skeptical about the shaping. Plus I’m more board-shaped than pear shaped so I don’t think this is the answer for me.

The “too big” solution? I don’t really think anyone (besides myself) would describe my butt as too big. But the program is designed to life and slim, so this one sounds just right. Sold! (Incidentally, they also offer a “classic solution” for those like me with an indiscernible butt type. However, I was happy with the lifting and slimming promised by the “too big” solution, so that is what I decided to stick with).

Next came the REAL work, the actual exercise. I usually prefer to get up early and workout in the morning. For one, it’s cooler. There is also the added benefit of getting the exercise is done for the day freeing up my evening for any magically delicious opportunities that may arise. However, last Monday after a heinous night of heartburn, tossing and turning, I decided I really needed that extra hour of sleep and the BBL was going to have to wait until after work.

After a long and stressful day, I came home to a relatively warm and un-air-conditioned house totally not wanting to workout but determined nonetheless to take the BBL challenge. Really, how hard could it be? I’m no fitness model, but I’m hard core. And stubborn. Even if I haven’t run in months, I can always do at least three miles. In January I finished a half-marathon in 2 ½ hours without really training.

Could the BBL “Bum Bum” routine be that much harder? Not likely.

Holy shitballs!! Half way through the basic training video (not even the real routine just a quick intro that teaches you the moves) I was DRENCHED in sweat. About five minutes into the real workout I was bright red and gasping for air. My hamstring, quad. and ass muscles were screaming. But I persevered. I was not going to be defeated by this tiny Brazilian man and his insanely hard workout. Like Leandro says, I have to do the work to get the “beautiful Brazilian bum bum”. I will not “settle for less”.

So per the proscribed workout regime, I have been doing the recommended DVD workouts for the past 8 days. I definitely FEEL better. My ex-boyfriend (and current boy BFF) swore by butt looked better after only 3 workouts, but I suspected he was just trying to be supportive. After 8 workouts, I oscillate between thinking I look fabulous and noticeably thinner to thinking I look like a bulky female bodybuilder covered in a layer of poorly preserved lard. Since both observations cannot be true (unless you want to get into some seriously crazy quantum mechanics), I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just crazy. It’s probably too soon to tell, so as my dear and awesome friend Jenette told me when we first met, I guess “the jury is still out”. I’m going to keep working at it and hopefully, in three weeks, when my birthday party rolls around, I will have given myself the ultimate gift of the perfect Brazilian butt.